Pet Flying Peeves: A Sky-High Rant From 30,000 Feet
- Helena
- Jun 3
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 30
Ah, air travel. That magical experience where you fork out a few hundred quid to be herded like livestock, breathe in someone else's exhalations and catch Covid, and spend several hours trapped in a tin can hurtling through the sky with strangers and suspicious chicken wraps.
But it’s not the cramped legroom, the dubious tray meals, or the baby in 14A auditioning for The Voice that winds me up. No - it’s the people.
Specifically, the unspoken horror show of bad flying behaviour that plays out in airports and aircraft across the globe like a never-ending in-flight soap opera.
Pet Flying Peeves: A Sky-High Rant
Welcome aboard Helena’s Pet Flying Peeves: A sky-high rant... your no-nonsense guide to the airborne antics that make me wish teleporting was possible. Tray tables up - it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Gate Lurkers: The Premature Queuers
You’ve seen them. We’ve all seen them. The boarding gate has barely pinged into existence on the screen, and they’re already up, standing in a loose semi-circle formation like they’re queuing for Glastonbury tickets, not a flight to London Gatwick!
Clutching their passports and staring down the gate staff like it might hurry things along. Listen, Barbara from Boarding Group 5, no one's going anywhere until they've loaded the people in rows 1 to 12 who paid £49 extra for the privilege. Don't go up to the staff and ask if you can board, they haven't even opened the door to the jet bridge. Sit down, and drink your overpriced airport Pret. There’s time.
The Group Jumpers
The announcement goes: “We’ll now begin boarding for Group 1.” And there he is - Darren with his Group 6 boarding pass, breezing up to the front as if the words don’t apply to him. When gently redirected by staff, he feigns shock and shuffles back like he’s just been told he can’t bring a live parrot onboard.
You’re not fooling anyone, Darren. Boarding early doesn’t mean you get there faster. You’re still flying at 500 miles per hour with the rest of us, next to someone who brought an egg mayo sandwich and no sense of shame. When they call your boarding group, that is when you can get on the plane, you're just delaying the boarding process for everyone else.
The Seat Swappers’ Union
Picture it: You’ve selected your aisle seat with military precision, paid extra for the legroom, and planned your escape to the loo with tactical grace. You board. You sit. And then - the tap.
“Hiya, would you mind swapping with me so I can sit next to my partner? You’d be in the middle, back there near the toilet.”
Sorry, what? Am I Santa Claus now, just handing out miracles?
Unless you’re a young family not willing to be extorted by the airlines for even more money and they have split you up, absolutely not. Book your seat like the rest of us, or suffer the unintended consequence of the seat by the toilet.
The Seat Thief
You find your row. You find your seat. And lo and behold! There’s a stranger in it, looking smug and settled, like they own the place. “Oh, I thought this was 22C,” they say, already unwrapping a KitKat and fully reclined.
You didn’t, Alan. You gambled. And now I have to do the British thing where I politely but firmly tell you to get up while dying inside. Confrontation ain't my thing, and I will do anything to get out of having to confront someone. But get the hell out of my seat. If you want 14A so badly, book it. This isn’t musical chairs at a school disco. Move.
Those Who Disrespect the Cabin Crew
Some passengers seem to think that the cabin crew exist solely to deliver gin & tonics on a silver platter and solve turbulence with a firm talking-to. I once heard someone on an Emirates flight rip into the (absolutely stellar) cabin crew because he was Gold Status but could only get a seat in the back of an A380 because he hadn't utilised the status feature of free seat selection. And somehow, this was the crew's fault! (Side note, he also removed his dentures mid conversation to wipe them, in front of the crew, it was a horror to watch.)
Spoiler alert: cabin crew are not your airborne butlers. They are highly trained professionals there to save your life, not fluff your blanket and adjust your cabin mood lighting to “zen garden”. Be kind, and if you can't be kind, keep your mouth shut. And no - pressing the call button repeatedly will not result in faster Pringles.
Armrest Wars
Look, we all want comfort. But let’s not start a civil war over two inches of plastic. If you’re in the middle seat, the armrests are yours. This is not negotiable my friend. It’s the least we can offer you in exchange for sitting between a snorer and someone who decided to not bother with a shower.
Recline Crimes
As for seat reclining - do it gently. There’s a special place in air travel hell for those who throw their seat back like they’re launching a lifeboat as soon as the seatbelt signs goes off. I’d like to sip my warm tea without it ricocheting into my lap, thank you very much. Also, a plea from the wife of a very tall husband, don't just fling it back. There is no rule to say you have to ask or inform the person sat behind you to recline your chair, but when you get to your seat, just note the person behind and consider if flinging your seat all the way back is going to potentially mean they can't even get out of their seat to use the loo.
Final Approach: Common Decency Shouldn’t Require a Passport
Here’s the thing. We’re all trying to survive the ordeal of air travel with our dignity and our headphones intact. The skies are stressful enough without adding airborne egos, seat-related showdowns, and aisle-blocking bedlam to the mix.
So please. Wait your turn. Sit where you’re supposed to. Be decent to those helping you float through the stratosphere. And for the love of carry-on bags, do not lean on my seat like it’s a banister while you dig through the overhead locker.
Helena
Comments