Lactose Intolerance at 35000 Feet: A Cheesy Flying Tragedy

Travel is amazing. Travel is supposed to be fun, dynamic, an adventure. It’s that blissful experience of willingly strapping yourself into a pressurised flying cylinder, hoping you won't get seated next to someone loudly eating a boiled egg or watching TikToks without headphones. 

Travel rocks, travelling with a dietary requirement doesn't always!

But for those of us with dietary requirements, in my case the joys of flying with lactose intolerance, it’s not just about surviving turbulence or children who use your seat as a kick drum. It’s a delicate dance of dodging dairy in a world that wants to slather everything in cheese. 

Lactose Intolerance at 35000 Feet: The Invisible Aisle Seat Companion

Lactose intolerance is the glamorous condition where your body takes one look at milk, cheese, cream or butter and says, “Absolutely not.” Symptoms differ between people and can range from “mild discomfort” such as bloating, all the way to the other end of the spectrum with “I need to find a bathroom immediately and potentially never leave it.” It’s bad enough having symptoms at work, but on a plane? Lactose Intolerance at 35000 feet, surrounded by inescapable strangers and a single loo that’s already seen too much in it’s poor short life... it’s a risk some of us are just not willing to take.

And so begins the lactose-free travel gauntlet.

The Great In-Flight Meal Lottery

You may have seen my previous article on how to order a special meal with Virgin Atlantic, so might be aware that airlines do offer special meals such as; low-lactose, dairy-free, vegan, gluten-free, low-sodium.  These have to be pre-ordered, and thankfully I do always remember!

However there is no guarantee that they’ll be delicious!

I once received a “lactose-free” meal that had replaced almost every course with a fruit plate. At the time, I laughed about it, but when I got off the plane after a 10 hour flight I felt incredible!

Top Tip: If you're ordering a special meal, triple-check it on the airline's app. Then check again at check-in. Then gently beg the cabin crew to confirm it’s onboard. You will feel like a high-maintenance Victorian debutante, but it’s worth it to avoid playing dairy roulette at cruising altitude.

Airports: A Cheese-Laden Hellscape

If you thought the onboard food situation was bleak, welcome to the airport terminal, home of the £6 mozzarella panini, the “artisan” mac and cheese (my personal hell not being able to eat these), and a Costa sandwich fridge that seems personally offended by your condition.

There are usually two options:

1. A limp salad that’s 90% iceberg lettuce

2. A snack bar that cost £3.50 and tastes like cardboard, literally.

And then there’s the obligatory visit to Starbucks, because you’re jet-lagged and need caffeine or you’ll start chewing on your boarding pass. You cautiously ask for an oat latte or an almond milk flat white, already knowing what’s coming, and the barista hits you with that ever-so-passive-aggressive question:

“Is that an allergy or a preference?”

Ah, the question that implies you’re either a medical liability or just being difficult. There’s no good answer. Say “allergy” and they make your coffee behind a plastic screen like they’re handling uranium. Say “preference” and you’re treated like someone who once watched a Gwyneth Paltrow documentary and got ideas.

I’ve had a barista berate me that I hadn’t told her it was an allergy when she made my almond latte with normal milk. Totally don't mind if a drink needs to be re-made but maybe check first before ad-libbing with cow juice!

Honestly, I just want a latte that won’t make me explode mid-flight. Is that so much to ask?

Joking aside, I love that they ask this. It’s saves time for them in preparation if it is a preference, and when it is an allergy they are so super careful with making your drink of choice. 

Top Tip: Bring your own plant milk or lactose free milk sachets. You’ll feel like a lunatic, with it stuffed into your liquids bag, but it’s worth it! However do check the rules and laws in the country that you are travelling to as sometime you are not able to bring in dairy products or you have to declare them at customs. I freaked out because I had to declare the milk sachets when we flew to New Zealand in January and shouted “I have milk, I’m lactose intolerant” in a panic to the customs officer who just looked at me as if I had grown a second head before saying “that’s literally fine”.

Eating Abroad: The Language Barrier of Cheese

Here’s where things get truly spicy. Or creamy. Or both.

Ordering lactose-free food in a foreign country is like playing an intense game of “Will This Sauce Kill Me?” You point at menus like a mime artist, desperately Google Translate “no milk,” and ask questions like, “Is this made with butter?” while the waiter looks at you like you’ve asked whether the chef does taxidermy on the side.

And sometimes, even when they say it’s dairy-free, it isn’t. Because many people think lactose intolerance is just a preference, like not liking olives. It is not. It is an imminent gastrointestinal event, and no one wants that on holiday.

Top Tip: Learn the phrase “no milk, cheese, butter or cream” in the local language before you arrive. Bonus points if you can mime an explosion while clutching your stomach for dramatic emphasis.

The Joy of Getting It Right

But let’s not be completely tragic. There are moments of lactose-free bliss:

• Knowing with certain cuisines you are going to be fine and no dairy will be present. Eating in Thailand and Singapore was so easy to navigate each and every time.

• The dairy-free restaurant at South Lodge hotel and spa where the entire menu was dairy free, and I could have smoked salmon and cream cheese on garlic brioche bread. 

• Discovering that some coffee shops in New Zealand did lactose free milk along side their other milk options. 

• So many hotels and restaurants put allergens on their menu. The hotel we stayed at in the Maldives had allergens on everything, and aside from one slip up from me which resulted in awful cramps within 3 hours, the whole experience was delightful.

Small wins. Beautiful wins. Quiet, gassy-free wins.

Final Descent: A Rant with Purpose

Travelling with lactose intolerance is a mildly absurd comedy of errors. You’ll forget your lactase tablets. You’ll accidentally eat the creamy dip. Or you’ll eat it on purpose with the pills and still suffer the consequences. 

But it also makes you adaptable. Vigilant. Prepared. 

So, fellow dairy-dodgers, pack your tablets, research the menu, and know that you're not alone. Somewhere out there, another traveller is also squinting at an ingredients list in a foreign mini-mart trying to work out if “lait écrémé” is the enemy.

And when that special airline meal shows up and is either rubbish or contains the one thing you specified you couldn’t have? Just smile sweetly, take a photo, and write a strongly-worded post on your website!

Helena

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